Regurgitation
Parminder
Singh
He called me by the name I had
loathed ever since I was a kindergarten student.
I did not know its meaning then, but I could make out
that I was being looked down upon when I heard this word thrown at me for the
first time by a sneering group of senior boys in the school bus.
And how vividly I recall that day from my early
adolescent years when I encountered it during an inter-school cricket match! I
was humiliated with the word when the captain of my team was run out due to my
mistake and we lost the match. I rushed home and cried silently after locking
myself inside the washroom. My mother made umpteen futile attempts to know why
I cried that afternoon. That was the last time I cried though. I used to play
really well but I discontinued playing the sport after that.
The number of instances when someone mocked me by
calling me that name surged over time. Believe me, it affected my blood the way
quinine affects the blood cells to kill malaria parasites. I actually began to
imagine mosquitoes dying after pulling a meal from my blood vessels.
And, how can you overlook the muscles that I wear
today? It’s not that I have been a gym enthusiast from the beginning. It’s only
when a couple of bullies tested their muscles while I tried to show some
resistance that I felt a need to respond. Everyone at the gym envied my weight
lifting capabilities. They could only dream of carrying the weight I lifted in
each set.
I experienced that one’s fear amongst others is
proportional to the power one possesses. Nobody dared taking that name in front
of me. I overheard it at my back sometimes but always tried not to look back
and let go. Whenever the fury began rising up from the bottom of my heart, I
would to hit the gym or pedal kilometres on a deserted road.
I had nevertheless become afraid of the rage sulking
inside me more than anything else. I made a promise to myself that I would let
the word strengthen me, make me more patient and resistant to the hardships
that life has in store.
But today, when this man called me by the same name in
front of my child … the suppressed bitter froth of anger and humiliation
resurfaced. This was unlike anything I had experienced before. I could never
feel that these people I come across everyday are my compatriots, and I did not
want my child to begin thinking the way I have been made to.
I have never said anything wrong to anyone throughout
my life. They have been doing it, persistently. And today, I want to know what
gives them the right to behave as if they are the landlords
of the nation, and I, some loathsome vermin.
Yes, I hit that man. But it was just a blow. I did not
know it would be fatal. I could sense drops of my bitter blood coming together
in the veins crisscrossing my biceps and flowing down to the fist where the
lava of my rage had accumulated. This all erupted together in that single blow.
But judge sahib! If circumcision is a part of my
faith, why should one have a right to call me
a katua?
Parminder Singh is a
Research Scholar at the Department of English & Cultural Studies, Panjab
University, Chandigarh. He was an IT Professional for over a decade. He the IT
section of Panjab Digital Library since 2008 and has been instrumental in
setting up this major resource on the preservation of the heritage of Panjab.
He made a career-shift from the IT industry to teaching and also teaches
English at DAV College, Chandigarh.
Parminder
has presented papers at international and national conferences and seminars and
his research papers have been published in peer-reviewed and refereed journals
such as New Academia, Galaxy and Langlit and
in conference proceedings. He has recently published a book Sikh Dharma, a Punjabi
translation of Appreciating
Sikhism. He has also been part of three anthologies of poetry in
Punjabi, Kosse Chaanan (Lukewarm Lamps) and Kosse
Chaanan II and Ghazal Udas Hai. His poetry has
featured in the refereed journals such as South Asian Ensemble
and The Criterion, and on websites such as Preetlarhi,
ApnaOrg, Punjabizm, HaikuPunjabi, UNP, Seerat and Sanjhi Kalam.
No comments:
Post a Comment