The Kodaikanal Gandhi Prize 2022
Prize for Creative Expression
(Shared)
SIDDHI DESHMUKH
Break the Cycle
‘Don’t you want to take that?’
On the table Aisha’s phone buzzed, vibrating silently. ‘Mom’ flashed on the screen. She took a quick look and turned it off. Her father smiled at her across the table.
‘Atta girl.’ He said, his eyes twinkling, ‘Nights like these are seldom enjoyed, don’t you think so? Don’t want any trouble, do we?’
Aisha smiled at her father, grateful for his company. He gave her a warm smile in return and piled some food onto his plate. She found herself nodding and smiling at everything he told her that evening. Moths fluttered outside the restaurant window, clinging to the light bulb. The sombre December chill crept across the restaurant to Aisha. She shivered and pulled her jacket closer.
‘Are you okay?’ Her father’s brow creased. ‘Should I drop you home?’
‘No!’ Aisha said quickly. ‘I mean, it's okay. I’ll not get a cold or something.’
He nodded uncertainly and pulled his gaze down to the food, as did Aisha. A silence of two minutes ensued, except for the constant clinking of the knives and forks against the plates.
Aisha took a deep breath and willed herself to talk about the subject she was here for.
‘So, I’ve been thinking,’ she started, her gaze focused on her food. ‘About college. And where I want to go.’
Her father nodded enthusiastically. ‘It's never too late to think about college, you’re what – fifteen – or are you sixteen?’
Aisha forced a smile. ‘I’m sixteen.’
‘Right,’ he said, chewing. ‘Where do you want to go?’
‘IIT,’ Aisha answered, without missing a beat. ‘I want to go to IIT.
Her father looked up, his eyebrows knitted themselves together. A dark look clouded his eyes and Aisha gulped.
‘IIT?’ he said, a dangerous lilt to his voice.
‘Yes,’ Aisha spoke hurriedly. ‘It's the best institute for –’
‘I know what IIT is,’ he interrupted, wiping his hands on the napkin. ‘Why IIT, out of all the
places?’
‘Because,’ she said, choosing her words carefully, ‘I want to be an aerospace engineer. And to do that I will have to study STEM. So IIT seemed like the best choice.’
‘STEM?’ Her father asked, still not meeting her eyes.
‘Yes,’ Aisha said, ‘It means Science Technology –’
‘I know what STEM means.’ His voice rose an octave and Aisha flinched. He was now looking straight into her eyes. ‘Why do you out of all the people, wish to pursue the hardest of courses?’
‘Because I’m interested.’ Her voice was barely a whisper. ‘I want to become an aerospace engineer.’
‘Do you even know anything about it?’
‘Yes!’ She said quickly. Her vision blurred, and she hastily wiped her eyes. ‘My mother teaches me. I got the highest marks in class in my examinations. Did you know that?’
‘Your mother,’ Her father scoffed and said harshly, ‘Yes I see how well your mother has done in the field of science. Can she even support herself without my money?’
Aisha was silent.
‘Can she?’ He asked her again, throwing the napkin on the plate.
‘No,’ Aisha said, colour flooding into her cheeks. ‘She cannot.’
‘Then what success will you achieve, going to IIT?’
Aisha gritted her teeth. ‘But you let Arjun go to CalTech!’
‘Arguing about this is foolish.’ Her father stood up, almost knocking the chair back. ‘I’ll drop you home.’
Her chair scraped the wooden floor noisily as she stood up. Her eyes were red, and with her mouth pursed, she refused to look at her father as she followed him to the car.
They rode back to Aisha’s house in silence save for the Bollywood songs playing softly on the radio. Aisha looked out the window and saw the winking lights of the indulgent Mumbai skyline.
She rolled down the windows and took a deep breath, almost tasting the salt on her lips.
‘Aisha,’ Her father said suddenly, ‘Think about this. Please.’
The note of desperation in his voice took Aisha aback. She looked at him. His eyes were trained on the road.
‘I just...’ He shook his head, turning the radio off. ‘I just don’t want you to become like your mother.’
Aisha opened her mouth to protest but he cut her short.
‘We fought so much, Aisha. Your mother and I. You were so small. These visits – the short amount of time we have with each other – are dearly brought. These are a privilege for me. I had to fight for it, Aisha. I had to fight for you.’
Aisha was bereft of words. ‘I – I don’t know what to say.’
Her father didn’t say anything. He reached for the radio and turned it back on.
Soon, the car stopped to a standstill in front of Aisha and her mother’s apartment. It was a small dingy building, with little to no facilities, but it was home. Aisha saw the way her father looked at it. His mouth turned up in disgust, and his eyebrows arched. But Aisha did not care, it was the apartment she was raised in, an apartment brought by her mother’s hard-earned money.
‘Look, Aisha,’ he said at last. ‘I hope you can understand me. I need you to break this cycle of failure between you women. Ah!’ He broke off and added as he looked at his phone, smiling wanly. ‘Look at the date, Aisha. It's the 2nd of October. You know what Bapuji said, ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’ So start with yourself, Aisha. Listen to me.’
‘Actually,’ Aisha said before she could stop herself. ‘That is not what he precisely said. He had said ‘We but mirrored the world... if we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change... We need not wait to see what others do.’ Did you know what he said it for? That is his attempt to engage women and the masses in his non-violence movement.’ She hesitated before saying, ‘That seems like the opposite of what you’re doing.’ She turned on her heel, about to leave when she remembered. ‘And thank you for the dinner. Truly.’
She turned and strode to her apartment. Distantly, she heard her father’s groan of frustration and the loud noise of a car door slamming.
Aisha reached her house and as her finger hovered over the doorbell, the door swung open, revealing her mother’s smiling face.
‘I knew you were downstairs.’ She gave Aisha a conspiratorial grin, ‘I thought I heard raised voices.’
Aisha groaned and walked inside, dropping into a chair. ‘He wouldn't let me go to IIT. You were right.’
‘So what.’ Her mother shrugged and said promptly. ‘We don’t need his approval. He didn’t let me go, now he won’t let you go. But I still studied, didn't I?’ She twisted her face and mimicked Aisha’s father’s deep voice. ‘‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’’ She chuckled. ‘He used to tell me the same thing. As if!’ She cupped her daughter’s cheeks. ‘I have taught you the whole thing, haven’t I?’
Aisha smiled and nodded despite the heaviness that weighed her down. She melted against her mother’s touch and reached to wrap her in her arms. Both mother and daughter sunk into each other’s embrace.
‘What about the fees?’ Aisha whispered into her mother’s shoulder, ‘We are not that well-off.’
‘About that.’ She felt her mother’s lips twisting into a smile. ‘I got the job.’
Aisha gasped and leapt out of the embrace. She held her mother’s hands, her joy was indescribable. ‘You got the job!’
‘Yes,’ her mother grinned ear to ear. ‘I start Monday as the physics teacher.’
‘I’m so happy for you,’ Aisha kissed her mother on the cheek. ‘This is huge.’
After the divorce, Aisha’s mother worked odd jobs, to support herself and Aisha. Aisha was no more than three years old, barely old enough to be left alone and they could not afford a nanny. She tried her best to support them financially while letting her daughter pursue her passion for science.
‘I have decided,’ Aisha told her mother when she graduated. They had gone out to a nearby cafe, to have french fries and drink milkshakes. ‘I want to be just like you.’
‘No, my dear.’ Aisha’s mother had said, ‘You are going to be better. You are my daughter, but that does not mean you are going to be an extension of me. In the end, you are your father’s daughter also. Cherish him and maybe,’ her eyes twinkled, ‘he might just change.’
‘I am going to break the cycle as he told me to,’ Aisha said, her mouth full of fries. ‘Just … not in the way he thinks.’
‘Atta girl,’ her mother reached out across the table and ruffled Aisha’s hair. ‘I’m so proud of you.’
‘And I, you,’ Aisha said, smiling widely.
If time could freeze itself, Aisha thought, it would be in this very moment. In a few months, she would be in IIT, pursuing her passion and chasing her dream. ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’ Gandhi had coined this phrase long back for a different reason, in a different context. Certainly not for a single mother and daughter struggling to make ends meet. Any change, no matter how big or small should be first initiated by the one who wants it to happen.
In the small corners of the world, the words of Gandhi find their home. Such was the story of Aisha and her mother. Both have miles to go and even more changes to bring about.
SIDDHI DESHMUKH
MAYO COLLEGE GIRL’S SCHOOL, AJMER
Awarded by the Literary Journal, Out of Print
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