My Talisman
Manoshij
Bannerjee
Blue bird and Black bird,
one perched on the faucet the other on a bucket rim argued with Mr Sen the
colliery chief in the lavatory in silence. The moments spent on the pot were meant
to be private, reserved for the self, for unrequited emotions but this summer
evening was turning out to be different. It had been a clumsy day at the office
and the city grime had shaded his fair carefully-shaven face grey.
‘What was I supposed to
do? I had been dictated to over the phone from the capital to “take good care
of them”,’ said Sen, his exasperation showing.
‘What then are you upset
about?’ Blue questioned.
‘They’re bad people, they
have ill in mind,’ he replied.
‘You were doing what
you’d been asked to. You haven’t done anything wrong, stop worrying!’ Black
said in response.
But he couldn’t stop
worrying. Three men had barged into his office on the second floor at ten in
the morning. The boss among them (elegantly dressed and thoroughly
foul-mouthed) had harangued him into signing documents which permitted the
night’s use of two company trucks and one of the godowns for an undisclosed
‘special purpose’. Sen could see, as his ballpoint tip grazed the
fresh-smelling paper, the angular protrusions on the waists of the duo
accompanying the boss; he could easily imagine the revolvers beneath their
cotton t-shirts.
He had smiled his wry
smile that was met with unresponsive faces.
It was the same smile he
had smiled to Dodo the class bully who had stripped him in the bathroom and
made him polish his shoes. The quality of the shine was traded for the covering
of his nudity. He had shined them well and the sparkle on their tips had fused
together to become a permanent black stain on the canvas of his memory.
Black clouds are
gathering in the sky, calling to each other, joining each other becoming a
larger whole.
Sen feels feverish and
tells his wife so, almost fawning; he wants to avoid going to the supermarket
but he isn’t lying. He knows what’s going on inside him; he is used to pink
eruptions and patches on his throat growing in size to red globules and then if
left untreated to a painful white squishy thing. He’s known the condition from
childhood – pharyngitis. His wife in the eight-and-half month of pregnancy is
sly. ‘Paracetamol,’ she says, her manner clarifying to him that there’s empathy
but no escape. Blue and Black bird accompany him to the market.
The supermarket is called
Homeland. There’s something about it – the feel of the place with the cold air,
garish stacks, staff in orange-black uniform (pinstriped tie) too eager to
help, solemn customers carefully putting things into their baskets, fifty-one
varieties of assorted cookies, refrigerated cauliflowers and tomatoes (as if
groomed for exhibition), stamped Bangladeshi mangoes and fish and perfunctory
announcements in unnatural accents that intimidate Sen, worry and nauseate him
and run a current of heat through his body. He focuses, without purpose, on the
muddy red ominous eyes of the sardines. And the red colour makes him imagine
the pharyngitis eruptions growing into tentacles writhing to the piano tune
playing on the amplifiers in between announcements.
‘Was the boss ugly?’ asks
Blue.
‘Yes he was,’ says Sen. Bushy
eyebrows, an unkempt patch for moustache and thick unsexy pouting lips
delineated his uncouth nature.
‘And the duo?’ asks
Black.
‘They were buffoons, I
could tell from their faces,’ Sen says. Goons hired at five-fifty rupees each.
Standing in the cashier’s
queue Sen notices a teenage couple. The boy ties the girl’s shoelace, which has
got untied somehow. The girl is dressed in a black miniskirt and blue shirt,
the boy in black shirt and blue denim pants. The girl is looking at the boy
serenely; the boy is unabashed and determined.
Sen wanted to marry
Aditi, the Marwari beauty in college who taught him to undress with grace. But
Sen Sr had married him to Dipti the sly Bengali cow absolutely against his
wishes because ‘Baba knows just the best thing for you and you’ve always been
the best possible son’. He wanted to be the best possible husband only
to Aditi. ‘That’s a nice name,’ he had told her on their first date. ‘What’s so
nice about it?’ she had demanded with a dominating smile. She was right thought
Sen – there was nothing particularly nice about her name except for the last
one-and-half syllable iti which means ‘finish’ in Bangla.
Sen is driving back home
on his scooter; the birds sit on his shoulders and whisper in succession into
his ears: Why are you tense? Are you hiding something? What evil are they up
to? How powerful are they? Isn’t it the government’s lookout? What can you do
singlehandedly? Remember your mask?
The last question found
him shivering. He turned his gaze across the highway to tame his thoughts. The
black clouds overhead have swelled and an entire battalion is wading up to join
in from far west. There was a huge dark reptile, forming still, pasted against
the light sky. Sen felt sandpapering in his throat. The red dots must have
stood up he thought. The glare of a headlight opposite brought back the image
of inspecting his throat with a torch in the mirror after every session of
saline-water gargling; his childhood, teenage years and adolescence carried
infinite facsimile copies of this one image. Seeing the red-capped soldiers
shrinking in size, melting down and smearing over the throat was one of the
choicest moments of his pre-twenties life. However, right now, he was sick. The
infection’s epicentre was his throat and it was soaking up strength from the
rest of his body.
By the time he reached
home (he had stopped midway to suck on a cigarette and to wait an additional
ten minutes for the odour to scatter away) his temperature had risen over
hundred. The internal enemy was raging a battle; its strategy could only be
felt and guessed because it was happening inside, beyond the vision of the eye.
He finds Dipti planted on
the sofa slurping stew soup and occasionally resting her insouciant palm on the
eight-and-half month old bulge. ‘Honey, water please,’ requests Dipti and Sen obliges.
After an hour they have a quiet dinner and half-an-hour later Dipti is put to
bed, her coyness gleaming, somewhat charming Sen.
Left to himself, Sen sits
in a pensive posture in his room; the birds are by his side. The heat of the
fever is punishing but he’s trying to make sense of it; he wants the heat of
the fever to destroy pharyngitis; let one enemy kill another he thinks. So he
doesn’t take medicine.
Unfortunately that
doesn’t happen (his proclivity to rely on magic had always failed him.) His
body is like a mess on the stove – fever one-o-four. He wants to pull himself
together and sleep but all he manages is to rest his arms on the table (a chill
runs through his skin) and place his head in the hollow of his crossed
arms.
Blue and Black grimace;
they whisper into his ears, ‘It’s time you confront the questions, please.’ His
head turned down into the black of the hollow, he considers the questions, one
at a time and decides to be as precise as possible.
The reptile of black
clouds roars as if it had been choked for too long and electric jolts are seen
playing hide-n-seek in the sky.
‘Why
are you tense?’
Because it has been a
life of acquiescence; I’ve always chosen to remain indecisive
and get swayed by others, for that I thought would lessen confusion.
‘Did
it lessen confusion?’
You think? I’m a
thirty-one year old rock laid beneath the debris of son-hood, husband-hood and
in the offing, fatherhood.
‘Are
you hiding something?’
Yes I am. I have an
inkling of the ‘special purpose’ and it’s absolutely horrifying.
‘Explain.’
They are going to unload
weaponry from helicopters at a place not far from the office and the trucks
will carry them to the company godown.
‘Who
are they? What evil are they up to? How powerful are they?’
I am not sure but the
ugly boss is just a cog in this gigantic anti-state machinery. They are up to
killing and bloodshed. What other use can you make of rifles and explosives?
They are very powerful people; their connections are far-reaching and they have
money.
‘Isn’t
it the government’s lookout?’
Yes, maybe, I’m not sure.
‘What
can you do singlehandedly?’
Nothing – they are
powerful people, they have money.
The black clouds burst into
rain. It pours heavily accompanied by tremendous thundering. The sound of the
water falling to the earth is sonorous. The cool breeze comes in and wakes Sen.
He is sweating profusely. He puts his head back between his arms and awaits one
final question. His face has gone placid; his fever is unremitting.
‘Remember
your mask?’
Blue and red stripes
flutter in the darkness of his shut eyes. He is too afraid to answer. Of course
he remembers his mask; his mask is the sum of all that he wanted to but
couldn’t be; he was told in school that ‘dream’ is an abstract noun but his
dream was wooden and concrete and opaque and touchable. It was hard to have a
dream resting on ones palm and be unable to curl ones fingers around to clench
it.
The day Dodo had bullied
him he detoured to Kajol Kaka’s carpentry shop before returning home. From the
waste pile on the backyard he picked up a maroon plywood wafer and cut it out
in the approximate shape of his face; he took it home and with a kitchen knife
made in it disproportionate places for his eyes and nose and little holes on
the sides through which he dragged elastic strands pulled out of a discarded pair
of underpants.
Sen is squirming with the
heat within. Some sort of indignation causes him to stand up and with heavy
steps shuffle toward the storeroom. Blue and Black flap their wings and hover
around him. ‘Attaboy,’ they say in unison (a rare moment, that).
Every night before going
to sleep with all fervour he could summon he injected into his mask what he
called the power of his soul by means of prayers. He wanted to mask his face,
the face of cowardice, the face of submission, weakness, deprivation and the
face of un-being with his mask of power and confrontation and
strength and overcoming; the mask was the antidote to his limitations, it was
the howling answer to the juggernaut of hesitation that kept him from clubbing
Dodo in the bathroom.
The storeroom smells
moist. Rummaging through piles of photo albums and invitation cards, broken
kitchenware, defunct electronic equipment, shoe-boxes and official papers Sen finds
the blue velvet necklace box. He push opens the clips and stares at a mask. It
has blue and red synthetic stripes tied in small knots to the holes on the
sides (these stripes were cut out from Aditi’s wedding card two years ago in
moments of intense unrest.) ‘It’s emitting light!’ Sen says to himself
squinting his eyes. ‘Yes, the power of your soul,’ the birds whisper. ‘One
final thing,’ Sen says, proceeding to the adjoining bedroom.
On the bed, Dipti is
spread-eagled, sound asleep. A masked face moves as close as possible to her
belly and mumbles; from the two poorly shaped adjacent holes on the mask
trickle tears which fall on Dipti’s belly but don’t reach her skin for they
soak into the fabric of her nightwear. Sen leaves the room in silence but the
birds remain seated on the bedstead.
And then into the
heaviest rain and the violent storm a masked Sen vanishes on his scooter.
*
The night he left us nine years ago,
my father said to me, ‘Son, I am leaving with you an avian couple to guide you
along the strange roads ahead. I am gifting you my most precious adversary, my
fountain of confusion, my motivation to kill and get killed, the force buried
in my defeat, my talisman.’
Manoshij Banerji is twenty-one and pursuing a Masters Degree in
Physics at Pondicherry University and hopes to take up creative writing as his
profession. He has been published in Muse India, ink
sweat and tears and Southlit.
He loves reading Kafka, Rushdie and Kundera as much as Hemingway and Bellow.
this is a truly chilling story, I read it with great interest.
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